A Letter to The Producers of The Bachelorette

To whom it may Concern:

I am a huge fan of your shows and always have been. I think Nick is super sexy, but all that crying has to stop. But, that’s not why I am writing you. I am throwing my hat in the race to become the next Bachelorette. It’s time for you to quit picking women who are in their late 20’s and early 30’s and look like Barbie Dolls and go with a gal who has some miles on her, and I am perfect for the part.

Here are the reasons why I should be the next Bachelorette:

I am not going to get married at the end, so your track record won’t be broken, and I know just where to sell the Neil Lane diamond engagement ring.
I think being the Bachelorette is the perfect job for me. I can do several dates in a week while standing around being adored and pretending like I care about these guys and not looking bored out of my mind. I can also walk and chew gum at the same time, and the word “like” is not a regular part of my everyday vocabulary.
The sympathy card for the poor chick who has been divorced three times and is a single parent of not just one teenager, but TWO should bring in the viewers. If nothing else, they will be curious as to who this bitch is that has the balls to be the next Bachelorette after being so unlucky in marriage so many times.
Isn’t it time to have a 50-year-old Bachelorette? Midlife is the new sexy.
I won’t remember any of the guy’s names, but I am superb at pointing and saying, “Hey you, hottie, you get a rose.” Or, you could just put name tags on all the dudes, which also helps the audience remember the names of those that no one ever even notices.
I promise to make out and/or have a hot tub scene with every single guy. Every single one. As long as there is no back hair involved.
I can’t afford to travel and don’t have the time to travel in my everyday life, and this will give me the opportunity to see some pretty damn amazing places.
To shake things up, instead of having hometown dates in the guys hometowns, I think they should all come to see me and let my kids put them through the paces, if they pass their tests, then I get to stay in the fantasy suite while they babysit my kids as a reward.
Did I mention I’ll make out with every single guy??
How else am I going to get a date? I’m 50 and divorced three times. Give a gal a break!
I believe every older and divorced person deserves a fourth chance at love, don’t you?
I will only cry at highly inappropriate times, say only highly inappropriate things and make out with every guy (did I mention that one already?), which will boost the ratings.
I will try not to let the power of the rose go to my head. Okay, I take that back. I will totally use the power of the rose to my full advantage and use my midlife wit and charm on every single guy, but that will also boost the ratings.
Who doesn’t want to see a 50 something gal and a 50 something guy getting it on in a hot tub or on a beach? Talk about sexy!
To keep it real, I will order Domino’s pizza for every date, the cocktail parties will be casual, because who has time for makeup and heels and did I mention about making out with all the guys?
I am not opposed to a ‘cougar’ edition. I am in my prime and ready for some action (wink, wink). I can’t get pregnant, I know my mind, I mean what I say and say what I mean, and I look good.

In closing, as much as we love to see the hot half-naked guys, and we do love to see that, and the hot mean girls, this is a REALITY show, and it’s time for some reality. The midlife women are taking over the world; it’s time for us to take over the Bachelor series!

I look forward to hearing back from you as to the dates of my filming.