Menopause and Migraines Can Kiss My Ass

Years ago I had a mommy humor blog called, funnily enough, “Headaches, Hormones & Hot Flashes” and my name was Lee, the Hot Flash Queen. You can imagine what the blog was about. I was put into surgical menopause at the age of 42, and it wasn’t a laughing matter, but I couldn’t do anything BUT laugh about it because otherwise, I would melt into a puddle of tears from the hot flashes I was having about 2 million times a day.

I wrote about my foray into various types of HRT’s and how to insert them and keep them inserted by doing Kegel exercises religiously while trying not to sneeze the donut across the room. I wrote about my mood swings and how Sybil had entered the building on a daily and sometimes hourly basis.

Now, that I am almost 50, the hot flashes come while I’m sleeping, or waking up in the middle of the night, and the other symptoms of menopause are but a small blip on my radar. I do still take HRT’s, and probably will for a very long time to come. I have also noticed that the major side effect that I do have is the beginnings of osteoporosis, but we all have our crosses to bear, and that cross is better than the Big C that I was going to be wearing by keeping my lady bits.

The migraines are a whole other animal, though. These came on about five years ago and have been my constant sidekick and companion. They greet me in the morning and when I go to bed at night. Like a mean friend who steals your toys, they have taken away some of my most pleasurable things, like red wine, and then laugh at me when I try to take them back by taunting me and stabbing me in the eye.

They never allow me to forget that they want attention and I tell them every night and day to kiss my ass. I take Stupidmax to keep them at bay, and other than the pills making me stupid, the migraines just continue to eat away at my brain. I have tried everything, so please, no suggestions on what I should do. Trust me when I tell you I have done it all short of a lobotomy, and that might be next on the list.

I was doing Botox, which was my only saving grace, but due to Obama Care, that is no longer an option. Those of you who have Obama Care understand what I am talking about. The bright side is that I can now do Botox for those lovely wrinkles that my children have given me if I could afford it, that is.

Every three months like clockwork, I would walk into my neuro’s office, and she would stab me across the forehead and all around my head and neck with upwards of 50 little shots of Botox to alleviate and deaden the nerves that are causing these pesky daily 24/7 migraines. There is no rhyme or reason to where she jabs those needles across my forehead, she just jabs, and there is blood involved and lots of bruising.

When I walked out of her office, I looked as if I had stuck my head in a wasp’s nest and the wasps won. Nowadays, I deal with the migraines as they come and I deal with the menopause every day, cuz when you are in it, you are in it, but I have also decided that they can both kiss my ass because I’m not letting either control my life!

Photo Credit: lewis127 Flickr via Compfight cc