Orgasms, like people, come in many shapes and sizes. They can be multiple and long, they can be slow and luxurious, they can be fast and furious, or they can be something you might have to work to achieve. A myriad of different factors impact a woman’s ability to have the best orgasms ever. Got your attention yet? Ready to delve deep (ridiculous pun intended), to see how to have those best orgasms that will leave you begging for more?
The Anatomy of the Orgasm
First, let me acknowledge the women who have never had an orgasm—I’m tremendously sorry. Second, let’s maybe do something to fix that, STAT.
So we’ll start with the anatomy of the orgasm and break that shiz down with some stats! Elisabeth A. Lloyd, researcher and author of The Case of the Female Orgasm, Bias in the Science of Evolution, studied research from 80 years of studies on the female orgasm and her work is fascinating. To give you but a glimpse, here’s one of my favorite reviews:
“In this scientific review of the literature on women’s ability to orgasm, Lloyd lined up thirty years’ worth of studies designed to prove that women’s orgasms evolved solely to make us better at reproducing and proceeds to demolish them all due to their crappy data, bogus assumptions, or fatal bias. She instead makes a case for men and women having separate, autonomous sexuality. Human orgasm evolved because men need it to reproduce, and women got it as a developmental byproduct. How women use that gift is ours to determine. Feminism and scientific theory can be uninspiring bedfellows, but Lloyd proves here that tenacity and hard work can bring them to a readable climax.”—Beth Brown, On Our Backs
A case for men and women having separate, autonomous sexuality? There’s not one thing wrong with that. Here are some of the fascinating things Lloyd’s research discovered:
- Only 25 percent of women always climax during sex with a partner
- More than 90 percent of men have an orgasm 100 percent of the time. (Doesn’t seem fair, does it?)
- Only one-quarter of women reliably experience orgasm during intercourse—no matter how long it lasts, regardless of the size of the man’s penis, and no matter how the woman feels about the man or the relationship. (Does it look different down here?)
- About half of women sometimes have orgasms during intercourse
- About 20 percent seldom or ever have orgasms during intercourse (SAD!)
- About 5 percent of women never have orgasms, period (SADDER!)
We humans collectively owe a big thank you to Doctors Masters and Johnson, the American doctors who pioneered research into the nature of human sexual response and the diagnosis and treatment of sexual disorders and dysfunctions. As an aside, if you’ve not yet watched Masters of Sex, you should—it’s excellent! As part of their research, Masters and Johnson found that when a woman gets turned on, blood rushes to her clitoris—think of a female erection. The more aroused a woman gets, the more the blood rushes, as this is happening, tension builds in the buttocks, thighs, vagina, and pelvis. Eventually, the body involuntarily releases this tension—which is the orgasm.
Here’s why it feels so good. When a woman is experiencing an orgasm, very 8/10ths of a second, the uterus, vagina, and anus simultaneously contract. If it’s a smaller orgasm, this might happen three to five times and, for ever-so-lovely eyes rolling back in your head orgasms, that might result in a whopping 10 to 15 contractions. And like her male counterpart, if she’s left, ahem, unsatisfied, she might even experience a blue vagina.
How to Have the Best Orgasms?
So, we know what orgasms are and why they feel so damn good. Now, let’s figure out how to make them happen. We have to start by first acknowledging that there is absolutely not a one size fits all for this, so what works for one person might not work for another. Here’s a list of five things to try, today, to get you started on the path of having amazing orgasms. You can try one or try them all, and if it whatever you try makes those contractions go from one, to four, to TEN, then my job is done here. Let’s get to it….
1. Continuous clitoral stimulation. If you are a woman, you know this, and if you are a man, please read this carefully. You see, whether it is by mouth, by hand, or even by being on top, it’s that clitoral sweet spot that is crucial when it comes to experiencing the best orgasms ever. Find it. Stimulate it.
2. The G-Spot. The G-Spot is absolutely, positively not a myth. Find your G-spot, then then show your partner where it is. I stumbled across my G-spot by way of a happy accident, and that pretty much changed everything for me. Find yours. Now. Stop reading and go in search of it. You won’t be sorry and you will have the most delicious orgasms when you learn how to do G-spot stimulation.
3. Kiss, touch, and hug your partner. For men, sex can often begin and end with the penis. For women, sex generally begins and ends with the brain. When you and your partner (man or woman) spend time kissing, touching, caressing, massaging and, well, loving, it feels good. When you feel good, your brain produces oxytocin and that’s a game changer—and that’s how you get to that best orgasms part. The Journal of Hormones and Behavior conducted a study on sex and oxytocin and found that couples who produce oxytocin have stronger orgasms during sex. What does this mean? It’s time to get busy making out with your significant other and produce those feel-good hormones for some feel good orgasms.
4. Sex Toys. Here’s the thing ladies, great orgasms can happen, regularly—with or without a partner. And sex toys are a must-have for any woman, whether used while alone or with a partner. Why? When you have the right dildo in your repertoire, it can make having an orgasm as easy as 1-2-3. And let’s be serious—who doesn’t want that???? With a sex toy (or several) you can be with a partner or you can be alone making that orgasm magic happen. Don’t settle for just one sex toy, either. Consider trying several different models to find the one that suits you best. This might change from orgasm to orgasm or mood to mood, so you definitely need more than one vibrator, dildo, or other sex toy (there are a gazillion) in your repertoire. Sex toys come in all shapes, colors, sizes, and are pretty much a girl’s best friend. When you find the right one, share it with your partner or keep those amazing orgasms all to yourself—either way, a sex toy will undoubtedly bring you joy.
5. Change it up! Boring is out, change is in. Don’t settle for the same-old, same-old in the bedroom (or wherever it is you’re getting busy). Change it up! Experiment with different positions. Whether you are on top, bottom or sideways, the position you are in when you are having sex will affect the orgasm you have. If you are on top, you can control clitoral stimulation, if you have sex doggy style, you have a better chance of having your g-spot stimulated. In fact, it might be fun to consider buying the Kama Sutra and working your way through the book. I think there’s a poster available too if you’d like the visual version.
My challenge to you— get going. Learn what you need to learn, buy what you need to buy, do what you need to do, but do not spend one more day not knowing how to have the best orgasms every single time. In fact, don’t spend one more day not having orgasms on a regular basis. Life is short. Orgasms are awesome. The best orgasms are even more awesome, And if there’s something I’ve left off that we all need to know about, let me know! I would consider that a public service, wouldn’t you?
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